Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
