Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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