and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
