she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
