My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
