I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
