i just wanna soil my oats bro
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
