The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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