mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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