Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
