Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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