You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize