I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
