smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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