I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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