She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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