I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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