Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
