Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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