if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
accomplished twins. life is a go
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
