I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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