I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Of course I have a pirate flag
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
