In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
