do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
