I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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