he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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