I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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