just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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