What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I need a burrito and a hug.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
