I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
