I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
