Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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