so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Girls should come with a carfax report
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
