this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
