I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
