Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
