Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
