This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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