Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
