you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
