wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
