Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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