his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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