Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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