He uses pillows to masturbate.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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