I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
