he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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