I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
