if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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