anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
