I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
