If that was your dad, he is hot
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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