You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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