I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
