Little spoons don't ask big questions
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
