it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
